@cyanidecynic Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants. She did. But I paused. Please send an ambulance…
@Thee_Mikey_B I don't need a home security system. I just keep my room stocked with clown dolls and ventriloquist dummies.
Updates from 9:30am
@JermHimselfish You all need to just stop for a second and start paying more attention to your kids because they've been beating me up at the bus stop again
@katy_baybay I like to say to my coworkers, "That's so funny!", and never laugh.
@juliussharpe Just learned the song "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" is actually about a sleeping bag. James Brown loved camping.